Enchanting Your Relationships

The Principles:

·         Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face.  85% of one’s financial success is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.  The man who has technical knowledge plus the ability to arouse enthusiasm among men – that man is headed for higher earning power.

·         99 times out of 100 no man ever criticizes himself for anything, no matter how wrong he may be.  Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment.

·         The person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself and condemn us in return; or he will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently”.

·         When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

·          “I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”  Benjamin Franklin

·         Eliminate criticism from your system.  Give appreciation and praise instead of condemnation.  Stop talking about what you want.  Try to see the other person’s viewpoint.  This will revolutionize your life.  You will be a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness – the only things that matter much after all.

·         Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

·         “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”  Carlyle

·         Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.  Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.  That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.  “To know all is to forgive all.”

·         There is only one way under high Heaven to get anybody to do anything.  And that is by making the other person want to do it.

·         There is one longing almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep, which is seldom gratified.  It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great”.  The desire to be important.  The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart-hunger will hold people in the palm of his hand.

·         If people are so hungry for a feeling of importance, imagine what miracles you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation.

·          “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in  a man is by appreciation and encouragement.   There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticisms from his superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a man incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault.  If I like anything I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”    Charles Schwab

·          “Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself”  Epitaph on the tombstone of Andrew Carnegie

·          In the long run flattery will do you more harm than good.  Flattery is from the teeth out.  Sincere appreciation is from the heart out.  If all we had to do was to use flattery, everybody would catch on to it and we should all be experts in human relations.  Flattery is just cheap praise!

·          Let’s cease thinking about our accomplishments, our wants.  Let’s try to figure out the other man’s good points.  Then forget flattery.  Give honest, sincere appreciation.  Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”, and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime – repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

·           “Every man I meet is my superior in some way.  In that, I learn from him.” Emerson

·         The only way on earth to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it.

·         “First arouse in the other person an eager want.  He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.”  Overstreet

·         “If there is one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own”  Henry Ford

·         The world is so full of people grabbing, self-seeking.  So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.  He has little competition.

·         If you get just one thing: an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from his angle – it may easily prove to be one of the milestones of your career.

Six ways to make people like you:

1)      Become genuinely interested in other people

·         Do you want to make friends? Be friendly. Forget yourself. Think of others.  You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

·         “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.  It is from among such individuals that all human failures  spring Alfred Adler

·         “I am grateful because these people came to see me.  They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way.  I’m going to give them the very best that I possibly can.”  H. Thurston, Magician               

·         If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.

·         If you want to make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm.

·         Become genuinely interested in other people.

·         You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.  A man rarely succeeds at anything unless he has fun doing it.

2)      Smile

·         Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together: and by regulating the action which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

·         Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it.  That is by controlling your thoughts.  Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions.  It depends on inner conditions.

·          Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.  Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies.  Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering of direction, you will move straight to your goal.  Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire.  Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual…Thought is supreme.  Preserve a right mental attitude – that attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer.  To think rightly is to create.  All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered.  We become like that upon which our heart is fixed.  Elbert Hubbard

·         A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.  Chinese prover

•   A smile costs nothing but creates much; It happens in a flash and the memory sometimes lasts forever;  It cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen but it is something that is no earthly good to anyone until it is given away.  So if in a hurry and rush you meet someone who is too weary to give you a smile, leave one of yours.  For no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none left to give.

3)      Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.

·         The average man is more interested in his own name than all other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it warily, and you have paid him a subtle and very effective compliment.

·         The policy of Andrew Carnegie’s remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of his leadership.

·         The ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.

·         During a conversation take the trouble to repeat the name several times, and try to associate it with a man’s   features, expression and general appearance.

4)      Become a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.

·         Be an interesting conversationalist.  How? By listening intently.  This kind of listening is one of the highest compliments you can pay anyone.  Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.  Nothing else is as flattering as that.

·         The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener – a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a King Cobra and spews the poison out of his system.

·         Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.  They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they don’t keep their ears open.

·         Often what people want is a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom one can unburden himself.  That’s what we all want when we are in trouble.  That is frequently all the irritated customer, the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend wants.

·         Remember that the man you are talking to is a hundred times more interested in himself and his wants and his problems than he is in you and your problems.  His toothache ,means more to him than a famine in China that kills a million people.  A boil on his neck interests him more than forty earthquakes in Africa.  Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

5)      Talk in terms of the other man’s interests

·          The road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.  Theodore Roosevelt.

·         Find out what interests a man and study the subject before you meet with him.

6)      Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

·         There is one all-important law of human conduct.  If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble.  In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness.  But the very instant we break that law; we shall get into endless trouble.  The law is this:  Always make the other person feel important.

·         Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.  Give unto others what we would have others give unto us.

·         Appreciation:  you can work magic with it almost every day.

·         Use phrases like “Would you be so kind as to –,”  “Won’t you please,” “Thank you”.

·         The unvarnished truth is that almost every man you meet feels himself superior to you in some way; and a sure way to his heart is to let him realize in some subtle way that you recognize his importance in his little world, and recognize it sincerely.

Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking

1)       The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

·You Can’t Win An Argument!  You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.  Why? You have made him feel inferior.  You have hurt his pride.  He will resent your triumph.  And – “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Avoid an argument as you would earthquakes and rattlesnakes.

·Real salesmanship isn’t an argument.  It isn’t anything even remotely like argument.  The human mind isn’t changed that way.

·If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get the opponent’s good will.

·A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.

2)       Show respect for the other man’s opinions.  Never tell a man he is wrong.

·If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it.  Do it subtly, so adroitly that no one will feel that you are doing it.

·You will never get into trouble by admitting that that you may be wrong.  That will stop all argument and inspire the other fellow to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are.  It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

·We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts.  We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship.  It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our own self esteem which is threatened….We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it.  The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.  James Harvey Johnson – The Mind in the Making

·Be diplomatic.  It will help you gain your point.

3)       If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

·Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person intends to say – and say them before he has a chance to say them – and you take the wind out of his sails. 

·Any fool can try to defend his mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exaltation to admit one’s mistakes.

· When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking; and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

·By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.

4)       Begin in a friendly way.

·         If you want to win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.  Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say as you will, is the great high road to his reason.

·         The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach, and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily that all the bluster and storming in Christendom.

5)       Get the other person saying “yes”, “yes” immediately.

·         In talking to people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ.  Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree.  Keep emphasizing – if possible – that you are both striving for the same end and your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

·         When a person says “No” and really means it, he is doing far more than saying a word of two letters.  His entire organism – glandular, nervous, muscular – gathers itself together into a condition of rejection.

·         It took me years and cost me thousands of dollars before I learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and interesting to look at things from the other man’s viewpoint and try to get him saying “yes, yes”.

·          Socrates asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree.  He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yesses.  He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponent found himself embracing a conclusion that he would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

6)       Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.

·         Most people, when trying to win others to their way of thinking, do too much talking themselves.  Ask questions.  Let him tell you a few things.  If you disagree with him you may be tempted to interrupt but don’t.  It is dangerous.  He won’t pay attention to you while he still has a lot of ideas of his own crying for expression.  So listen patiently and with an open mind.  Be sincere about it.  Encourage him to express his ideas fully.

·         Minimize your achievements.  Be modest.  That’s always a big hit.

7)       Let the other man feel that the idea is his.

·       Make suggestions –and let the other man think out the conclusion for himself.

·       No man likes to feel that he is being sold something or told to do a thing.  We much  prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.  We like to be consulted about our own wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

8)       Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

·         Remember that the other man may be totally wrong.  But he doesn’t think so.  Don’t   condemn him.  Any fool can do that.  Try to understand him.  Only wise, tolerant and   exceptional men ever try to do that.

·         There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does.  Ferret out the hidden reason    – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.  Try honestly to put yourself  in his place.

·         If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save a lot of time and irritation, for by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to  dislike the effect.  And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.

·         “Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else.  Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way….success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other man’s  viewpoint.”  Kenneth M. Goode – How to turn people into gold.

·         Why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from the other person’s point of view?  Ask yourself: “Why should he want to do it?” 

·         I should rather walk the sidewalk in front of a man’s office for two hours before an interview,   than step into his office without a perfectly clear idea of what I am going to say and what he – from my knowledge of his interests and motives – is likely to answer.

9)       Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

·         Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop argument, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?  Yes? All right.  Here it is.  Begin by saying: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do.  If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”  An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous cuss alive.  And you can say that and be 100% sincere, because if you were the other person, of course you would feel just as he does.

·         The only reason, for example, that you don’t kiss cows and consider snakes holy is because you weren’t born in a Hindu family in the banks of the Brahmaputra.

·         You deserve very little credit for being what you are – and remember, the man who comes to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserves very little discredit for being what he is.  Feel sorry for the poor devil.  Pity him.  Sympathize with him.  Say to yourself: “There but for the grace of God go I.”

·         Three fourths of the people you will meet tomorrow are hungering and thirsting for sympathy.  Give it to them, and they will love you.

·       “Sympathy the human species universally craves.  The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy.  For the same purpose adults…show their bruises, relate their accidents, illnesses, especially details of surgical operations.  ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.” Dr. Arthur I. Gates

10)    Appeal to nobler motives.

·       Experience has taught me that when no information can be secured about a customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he is sincere, honest, truthful, and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once he is convinced they are correct.  To put it differently and perhaps clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations.  The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few. And I am convinced that the individual who is inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make him feel that you consider him honest, upright, and fair.”  James Thomas, Credit Manager

11)   Dramatize your ideas.

·  This is the day of dramatization.  Merely stating a truth isn’t enough.  The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.  You have to use showmanship.  The movies do it.  So does the radio.  And you’ll have to do it if you want attention.

12)   Throw down a challenge.

·   “The way to get things done is to stimulate competition.  I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but the desire to excel.”  Charles Schwab

·  The desire to excel!  The challenge!  Throwing down the gauntlet!  An infallible way of appealing to men of spirit.

·  “I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good men.  I think it was the game itself…”  Harvey Firestone

·   That is what every successful man loves: the game.  The chance for self-expression.  The chance to prove his worth, to excel, to win.  The desire for a feeling of important.

Nine ways to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment.

1)       Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2)       How to criticize – and not be hated for it:  Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3)       Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4)       No one likes to take orders.  Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Say things like “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”  Give a person an opportunity to do things himself.  Let them learn from their mistakes.

5)       Let the other man save his face.  How vitally important that is!  And how few of us ever stop to think of it!  We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride!

6)       Spur men to success by praising even the slightest improvement…which inspires the other fellow to keep improving.  If we inspire the people with whom we come in contact with to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people.  We can literally transform them.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake.  We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources.  The human individual thus lives far within his limits.  He possesses powers of various sorts that he habitually fails to use.  Professor William James, Harvard Psychologist.

7)       If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics.  And it might be well to assume and state openly that the other party has the virtue you want him to develop.  Give him a fine reputation to live up to, and he will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

8)       Tell a person that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, that he has no gift for it, and that he is doing it all wrong and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try and improve.  But use the opposite technique; be liberal with your encouragement; make the thing seem easy to do; let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice till dawn comes in at the window in order to excel.

• Become an artist in human relations:  Build up, give confidence, inspire courage and   faith.

• Use encouragement.  Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.

9)       Make people want to do what you want. Give a man dignity, recognition, a feeling of importance by giving awards, titles and authority.  Napoleon created the Legion of Honor and distributed 1500 crosses to his soldiers, and made 18 of his generals “Marshals of France” and called his troops the “Grand Army.”  Napoleon was criticized for giving “toys” to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied. “Men are ruled by toys.”  Such is human nature.

SEVEN RULES FOR MAKING YOUR HOME LIFE HAPPIER

1) Don’t Nag! Of all the sure-fire infernal devices ever invented by all the devils in hell for destroying love, nagging is the deadliest.  It never fails.  Like the bite of a king cobra, it always destroys, always kills. Many a wife has made her own marital grave with a series of little digs.  Don’t, Don’t nag!!

2) Love and let live.    “The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of   being happy, provided those ways do not assume to interfere by violence with ours.”  Henry James     Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.”  Leland Foster Don’t try to make your partner over.

3) Don’t criticize.

4) Give honest appreciation.

 • “Most men seeking wives are not looking for executives but for someone with allure and willingness to flatter their vanity and make them feel superior.”  Paul Popenoe

· Men should express their appreciation of a woman’s effort to look well and dress becomingly.  All men forget, if they have ever realized it, how profoundly women are interested in clothes

• “If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she is to find it in his appreciation and devotion.  If that appreciation and devotion is actual, there is the answer to his happiness also”  Warner Baxter

5)  Pay little attentions.  Women attach a lot of importance to birthdays and anniversaries – just why, will forever remain one of those feminine mysteries.  The average man can blunder through life without memorizing many dates, but there are a few that are indispensible; 1492, 1776, the date of his wife’s birthday, and the year and date of his own marriage.  If need be, he can even get along without the first two – but not the last!

·         Trivialities are at the bottom of most marital unhappiness

·         Too many men underestimate the value of small, everyday attentions

·         Marriage is in the long run – a series of trivial incidents. 

 

6)       Be Courteous – rudeness is the cancer that devours love.

· “Next to care in choosing a partner, I should place courtesy after marriage.  If wives would be only as courteous to the husbands as to strangers!  Any man will run from a shrewish tongue.”

· Compared with marriage, being born is a mere episode in our careers, and dying a trivial incident.

·  No woman can understand why a man doesn’t put forth the same effort to make his home a going concern as he does to make his business or profession a success.  But although to have a contented wife and a peaceful and happy home means more to a man than to make a million dollars, not one man in a hundred ever gives any real serious thought or makes any honest effort to make his marriage a success.  He leaves the most important thing in his life to chance, and he wins out or loses, according to whether fortune is with him or not.  Women can never understand why their husbands refuse to handle them diplomatically, when it would be money in their pockets to use the velvet glove instead of the strong-arm method.

7)       Don’t be a “Marriage Illiterate”.  Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

Further Advice for Husbands and wives.

For Husbands: 

1)     Do you still “court” your wife with occasional gifts of flowers, with remembrances of her birthday and wedding anniversary, or with some unexpected attention, some unlooked-for tenderness?

2)     Are you careful never to criticize her before others?

3)     Do you give her money to spend entirely as she chooses, above the household expenses?

4)     Do you make an effort to understand her varying feminine moods and help her through periods of fatigue, nerves, and irritability?

5)     Do you share at least half of your recreation hours with your wife?

6)     Do you tactfully refrain from comparing your wife’s cooking or housekeeping with that of your mother or Bill Jones’ wife, except to her advantage?

7)     Do you take a definite interest in her intellectual life, her clubs and societies, the books she reads, her views on civic problems?

8)     Can you let her dance with and receive friendly attentions from other men without making jealous remarks?

9)     Do you keep alert for opportunities to praise her and express your admiration for her?

10)  Do you thank her for the little jobs she does, such a sewing on a button etc.?

 

For Wives:

1)     Do you give your husband complete freedom in his business affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of a secretary, or the hours he keeps?

2)     Do you try your best to make your home interesting and attractive?

3)     Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows what to expect when he sits down to the table?

4)     Do you have an intelligent grasp of your husband’s business so you can discuss it with him helpfully?

5)     Can you meet financial reverses bravely, cheerfully, without criticizing your husband for his mistakes or comparing him unfavorably with more successful men?

6)     Do you make a special effort to get along amiably with his mother or other relatives?

7)     Do you dress with an eye for your husband’s likes and dislikes in color and style?

8)     Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?

9)     Do you make an effort to learn games your husband likes, so you can share his leisure hours?

10)   Do you keep track of the day’s news, the new books, and new ideas, so you can hold your husband’s intellectual interest?

Suggestions on how to get the most out of this advice:

·         Have a deep driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.

·         The use of these principles can be made habitual and unconscious only by constant and vigorous review and application.  There is no other way.

·         Learning is an active process. We learn by doing.  So, if you desire to master the principles do something about them.  Apply these rules at every opportunity. .. if you don’t you will forget them quickly.  Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.  You are trying to form new habits.

·         Start a system of self-analysis like a weekly review of your progress asking yourself “What mistakes did I make that time?”  “What did I do that was right – and in what way could I have improved my performance?”  This system of self-analysis, self-education, continued year after year, can do more for you than any other thing you have ever attempted.

·         Keep a diary showing how and when you have applied these principles

All advice in this post comes from HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Dale Carnegie .  It is a book well worth reading.  Old Fashioned but then again hman nature does not change!